NYC Midnight 2020 requires a piece of fiction to be written in 24 hours. It gives you three cues which must be included. Mine were as below. The scene must include the Action and must use the Word and be written in the genre defined. Oh and all in 250 words.
Genre: Drama
Action: Eye examination
Word: Everything
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“LPED PECFD EDFCZP That’s the best I c’n do Mr Roberts, cain’t tell no more than that”
“If that’s your best Dorothy, that’s fine, just fine, ...I think it’s ‘that day’ we talked about, the one where you hang up those car keys.”
“Mr Roberts, Sir” Sheila calls hesitantly from outside.
“Yes Sheila, I’m with Miss Ellens”.
“It’s your brother Sir, ...he’s here.”
“Well tell him to wait while I see to Miss Ellens.”
“He’s... got a gun, Sir!”
“Now Miss Ellens, I want you to leave via the back, new glasses Wednesday.”
Once Miss Ellens has been ushered out, despite her protests, Mr Roberts collapses onto his stool, brow glistening, shoulders slumped. He knew this day would come, it had to. Seems like it’s ‘that day’ for everyone today. He takes a deep breath, stands and opens the examination room door.
“Now John, what’s all this about?”
“She was EVERYTHING to me, you knew she was...”
The barrel of the pistol is mesmerising as it hovers.
His life doesn’t flash before his eyes but he certainly relives key moments. Like when Mary first sat in his chair. When he first gazed into those eyes, really studied them for the first time, the deep indigo, the pale-blue flecks, the black pupil like it had been dropped into a peaceful pool and those azure speckles were the droplets radiating like little whitecaps. He had sunk deep into those eyes that day, never to resurface.
Happily lost from ‘that day’ ...to this.
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250 Words
Feedback
'LPED'' by Andrew N0mad - WHAT THE JUDGES LIKED ABOUT YOUR STORY - {1774} Mr. Roberts displays thoughtfulness at ushering his staff and client to safety. What a heartbreaking scenario. You've truly captured the deep emotions and torment that particularly John is feeling. There is clearly no WIN in this situation, for these brothers who love the same woman. Well told drama. {1601) Interesting story situation and setup. Good use of the mandatory story elements. {1973} There are some wonderful bits of retrospective in LPED. The idea of an inevitable 'that day' is well used to foreshadow Dr. Roberts fate. The dialogue is also written phonetically, how it sounds, for added immersion. Nice work. WHAT THE JUDGES FEEL NEEDS WORK - {1774} When facing the barrel of a gun, Mr. Roberts contemplates his love. John's disturbed state suggests that his brother somehow stole the woman he loved or at least that is his perception. Staying mindful of word count, consider having Mr. Roberts assess for a moment to his brother's broken heart and their fractured relationship. To gain a few words, you might edit the dialogue with Mr. Roberts and Dorothy and/or Sheila in the beginning. {1601) The conflict within the story needs to be a bit better defined, and help the reader know why the brother has a pistol at his brother. What exactly happened? Can this be implied as a detail within the story? {1973} I have a few suggestions to improve LPED. The first is to do a detailed spelling and grammar check--there are several sentences that lack a period at the end for example. I would also advise against the use of all capitals for emphasis--and to have the author better use the 'that day' device in the opening line, so that it's use in the closing will feel more natural and intuitive.
